The Healing Journey

I am waking up
It is 3 a.m.
I look around the room
I see the shadows of the hoods
In reality I know they are not there
But the psychological scars run deep
As I want to get back to sleep
I never wanted to be a part of the

Grandfather said I had to be
a part of the “family”
So I was forced into terror
to painful for me to think
about at times
So I stuff my face
And eat and eat
To numb the pain

The memories still haunt me
Heather, do you understand
Read this book
On Satanic Ritual Abuse
You are my counselor
I hope you can understand
Or at least try to

My boyfriend doesn’t know how to cope
He is talking to women friends
But not about this
I’ve seen his frustration,
His tears, his insecurities
He doesn’t know how to cope
when I am out of control
So, it is chaos at times
Mostly everyday
I swing from one mood
to another personality
to another space, another time
Disassociation is my only tool
To space out when it is too tough
to cope

I write, I call my friends,
I am learning to heal
to pace myself
Healing is a life long journey
Healing is a gift
I am learning about myself
I am hanging on the merry go round
of every day
Of every memory
and the pain

I won’t heal until I start
feeling the pain instead
of using food to kill the pain
Feeling the pain hurts
But in the end I will deal with it
I know it will take a long time
But I am worth it

Perhaps I am starting to love me
for where I have been, for what
has happened to me and for
the beautiful person I really am
I always was a good person but
could not see it for years
I was programmed to think I was
bad, evil, and no good
I see the light at the end
of the tunnel
I have a long journey of
healing but that is o.k.

I am experiencing the best thing
in life
Learning about me
I don’t need to believe what my
abusers said about me
I don’t need to be stuck there anymore
I can question and make choices about everything
I have the right to say no
To be strong and free
What a journey
I celebrate all of me